so, as you can see, i redesigned you. i’ve also redesignated you. you are now my online portfolio. do me proud.

hello world.

so i’m going to go live at tumblr for a while.

i’ll still be here periodically, but tumblr is where it’s at.

i may also, or may also not redesign the site.

i’m feeling bright and breezy.

oh, and who wants a leeds festival ticket? i have three going spare.

i love ranting.

on another note, we had a blowout on the motorway on monday. it was a tad scary. luckily we were in the slow lane, and just sort of dived onto the hard shoulder.

i thought changing the wheel was totally easy. well, when traffic’s rushing by at a million miles per hour, it becomes really difficult.

so we called the AA.

then we had to go get 4 new tyres. because they were JUST under the legal tread depth. fuck you AA.

but also thank you.

:D

my interview was scheduled for 10am, and so, being immensely nervous and feeling a pressing need to make a good impression, i promptly arrived at 9:15am. this wouldn’t have been a problem, except for the fact that ewan was in a meeting, sitting pretty much face onto me, and i twiddled my thumbs, read the corporate glossy, chatted to the receptionist about the dillinger escape plan, and tried to deal with my anxiety.

i realy needn’t have worried. as 10am rolled round i got up, shook his hand firmly with mine (a power play, but i wasn’t about the start derren brown-ing this motherfucker) and proceeded to sit down in a sparsely decorated meeting room.

we chatted for a while about me as a person, what sort of stuff i get up to, what the job would entail, if any of my skills were transferable, and other generalities.

about halfway through he asked to see my portfolio, which i gave him, and he sort of looked at me and wondered why i was applying for an artworker position. i was honest with him and told him that i would love to get into the industry, and than i love design, and typeface creation, and making things “look” right. he seemed impressed.

we chatted some more about the possibility of returning for a second interview, my getting used to using quark (being a strictly adobe man before) and the weather (we’re british, it’s in our blood).

we said goodbye and he escorted me downstairs, where i signed out, held the door open for an investment banker (well, i assume he was an investment banker - pinstripe suit, smug look on his face) and then continued to fall out of the door onto great charles street in birmingham. one of the busiest places in the city.

i’m a tit.

oh, bonus fact; i’ll be working round the corner from the kerrang! building, so i shall try my hardest to stalk any famous people and get pictures.

:D

a week old =]

first garden state. i’d sort of watched it but never really seen it before. when you sit down and watch it, it’s just a sparklingly amazing portrayl of life. it’s highs and lows. it still makes me smile when sam makes largeman listen to the shins in the waiting room :D

next, cloverfield. yes, it’s big budget and yes, it’s from a big name, but i still loved it more than anything else i recent memory. i was actually a little shocked after i came out of the cinema. the way it’s shot. the random exploding girls. the complete and utter destruction of manhatten. it’s kind of amazing and beautiful and tragic and scary all rolled into one.

and juno. this has become probably my favourite film ever. the soundtrack is glorious. the dialogue is on par with kevin smith at his best, and the story, the premise of pregnancy in high school, is so well structured. there’s not one point in the film when you feel like you’re losing interest. if ellen page doesn’t win the oscar, then it’s probably rigged.

everyone wants a girlfriend like juno macgruff.

except without the pregnant.

:D

the gaudy “Orange” branding, the “quick-access” menu that you keep hitting whenever you want to call anyone, the fact that the menu and navigation system seemed to be designed by monkeys, and the fragile and frankly quite awful slider mechanism.

anyway, i was sitting in the lounge, watching QI, and i noticed something that i hadn’t ever seen before, a masseuse’s de-stress-roller-cock and balls type thing. so i immediately picked it up and started hitting stuff with it. as you do when you’re a 21 year old frsutrated with his mobile phone.

one thing led to another, and during a rather spirited rendition of queen’s “we will rock you”, the screen completely smashed. and so now, whe i turn it on, i get all of the 262k colours it can display, sloshing about and displaying the time back to front and upside down.

and i’m not going to tell orange because i’m not paying an excess on my insurance to get sent out another phone that i truly detest.

at least when i sold mobile phones, i tried to match a customer’s needs to the phone’s capabilities. orange just seemed to send me whatever they had lying around.

i may not renew my contract with them in april. they’re a bit expensive. and the choice of handsets is rather limited.

and i really want an iphone.

never before has something shocked me so much. i couldn’t actually get my head around people settling for second best. but i’ve realised i’ve kind of been doing it myself of late.

and so i’ve resolved to find someone whom i feel 100million% certain about before i dive in.

jesus, using “dive in” as a metaphor when the context could be misconstrued as sexual is just not advisable.

so, yes, that’s what’s on my mind.

i need to get away from pretty much every girl i know. as they’re all confusing and retarded and they endear themselves to me in their own special ways.

i need to move away.

and before jasper e-bitchslaps me, this is not an emo post, this is a post of stark realisation.

in other news, don’t suck the inside of your arm, the blood flows ridiculously close to the surface and you end up looking like a cheap whore.

:D

here is hannah, whom i made old;

the gourds - gin and juice.

never before have i heard a feel good rap classic song like it’s being performed by a group of rednecks playing bottles of moonshine, a bass made from a mop and bucket and a banjo.

although technically the intro is played on a uke.
it’s phenomenal.

ignore the video in the link, and just listen.

link.

and read example number 2.

it is the urban dicitonary’s entry on semen.

“…best in making facial foam. it cures acne in 2 weeks”

sometimes, just sometimes, i fall in love with the internet all over again…

this is happening, and i’m quite enjoying myself, but i’m in the mood for something more. something aggressive and manly; “oh”, i think to myself, “i have a copy of batman begins”.

THIS IS WHERE THE NIGHTMARE STARTED.

normally cillian murphy is quite the attractive protagonist (think “28 days later” or “sunshine”) but in batman begins, that motherfucker is pure evil.

everytime he sprayed someone with that psychotropics weaponised hallucenogen (bruce wayne’s words, not mine) my very tired/bordering on asleep brain decided to FREAK THE FUCK OUT.

i swear at one point he started coming through the screen, trying to grab me.

so yes, i promptly feel asleep, around 8pm, and have just woken up, at 1am. i am neither tired nor capable of sleep, so i’m just sitting here reading a huge pile of old as comics listening to “a day to remember”. if music were graded as precious metals are, theirs would be a heady mix of aluminium and rarest platinum. the album is average, but onl because i’m litererally working out an average of good and bad bits of music. for every crescendo and beatdown, there’s an over-polished, over-produced pop hook waiting to gauge my eyes out.

also, because of the loudness war, even after running mp3gain, having the output volume of my sound card at ~15%, the motherfucker still clips.

anyway here is my brother, as an angel;